Intolerably Awful Drivers, and How Road Rage Will Save Your Life.

NOTE: I do not advise doing the things that I write about.  Keep in mind that I am not a bad person, just an angry person.

    I hate awful drivers.  I hate them so much that it is probably not healthy how much I hate them.  I spend a lot of my personal time thinking about how much I despise these people, and I get angrier and angrier the more that I think about them.
    
    Exhibit A: The other night, on my way home from work, I was driving on interstate 395, between the towns of Griswold and Plainfield.  I came upon a Massachusetts driver (MASSholes) who was in the passing lane and maintaining a 60 MPH cruising speed.  May I remind you that the speed limit os 65 MPH, and the acceptable protocol, in my world, is to drive AT LEAST 65 MPH if you are in the traveling lane, and between 65 MPH and 79 MPH in the passing lane.  This waste of space wasn’t passing the car on the side of him, but only keeping the same speed as him, effectively blocking any cars from passing him.  Not driving the speed limit, blocking my way, holding me up.  You suck, and I hope you crap your pants in public.
    I waited for approximately 30 seconds for him to move out of the way(which was 29 seconds more than my usual wait time).  When he did not vacate the lane, I flicked my high beams at him one time, only a quick flash, and then waited a few more seconds for him to respond.  He stayed where he was, oblivious, or so it seemed, to any other driver other than himself.  I flashed the high beams again, and this time, the guy took off like a rocket, accelerating to over 80 MPH.  I proceeded to press down on the pedal and continue on with my trip home in a terrible mood, but managing my anger in the usual fashion.
    
ANGER LEVEL: 3/10
    At this point, I am thoroughly annoyed and yelling at my dashboard about douche bags who shouldn’t be allowed to drive, and lighting up my second cigarette.  I can see the idiot in front of me as I maintain my speed of 75 MPH, and I am quickly catching up to him again.  Why did he go from 60 MPH to almost 90MPH, only to then drop down to 60 MPH again?  Because he is a complete tool and should not be allowed to procreate.
    He moved to the traveling lane after rocketing off, so I put my left blinker on and passed him, looking over at the driver and praying for him to flip me off so that I can black out and end up covered in his blood.  He only looks at me with the dumbest of expressions as I pass by him, looking more like a mouth breathing inbred imbecile than a regular person.  In disgust, I put on my right signal, and move in front of him.
    I see the lights glint off my rearview mirror before I see him pass me, so I know that he is passing me now, trying to be the stereotypical tough guy on the highway.  I turn on my interior light so he can see me and throw up my middle finger as he passes, then  roll down my window and yell out a tirade of profanities, and think of ways that I can hurt this bottle of Summer’s Eve.  I hate him, and he has broken my unspoken rules of the road.  Yes, I am so narcissistic that I have my own set of rules when driving that I expect all driver’s around me to follow.

ANGER LEVEL: 6/10

    My anger is spiking quickly, so I press the gas pedal down and keep up with Mr. MASShole.  He moves back over in front of me, and then slows way down again.  Now, I’m about to approach the point of no return in terms of anger, and this sad sack of crap is the intended target of my outburst of epic proportions.
    It’s not safe to pass someone on the right hand side in this country, and I don’t condone this type of behavior.  Either way, I did this, and the jerk decides to speed up too, so that I am not able to pass him.  There is a car and a tractor trailer truck in front of me about a quarter of a mile ahead, and I want to pass this guy before I get to them.  Alas, he will not let me pass, and I am punching my steering wheel because it now looks just like the driver of the car on the side of me.

ANGER LEVEL: 9/10
    
    I decide to risk it, and while this guy is pacing me and not letting me pass, I put my left blinker on and start to merge into the passing lane, coming dangerously close to the side of the ass mouth’s car.  He stomps on the brakes, because he is a little girl and I am a real man.
    This display of cowardice is exactly what I am looking for, so I let him pass me, and then proceed to get behind him and continue on with my high beams blasting into his back window for about a mile.  I put my blinker on early so he knows where I am going in case he wants to test me some more, but he only continues north on 395, no doubt making his way to his ballet rehearsal.
    I approached the ultimate 10/10 ANGER LEVEL, but did not reach it.  I am kind of happy that I did not reach this level, because, let’s be honest, it’s not healthy or advantageous to become so enraged by someone you don’t even know who happened to do something that you didn’t like.
    The moral of this story is incredibly simple: Please don’t act like a piece of crap when driving.  Don’t drive under the speed limit, don’t try to disturb other driver’s with childish antics, and don’t test someone who is better than you at everything in life.  You will look like a complete jerk to anyone who sees it, and it will bring you that much closer to being a no-count piece of backwoods trash who has nothing going for him in life besides the cool car his mother let him borrow to go out cruising.